They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
