: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
