yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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