just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
