Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
We just shotgunned beers for America
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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