Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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