he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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