Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
