how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
