she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
