I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
