my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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