we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
