im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Randomize
