my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
