Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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