That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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