We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
