Old men and throwing up are my life now.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
