I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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