I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
