I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
