he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
