His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
