Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
