don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Randomize
