Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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