I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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