Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize