When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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