The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
