I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
