If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Farmville is her only friend.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
