Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
