Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
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