It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
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