his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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