It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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