Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
