i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize