Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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