If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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