thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
