FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
