good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
there is glitter all over my balls
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