I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
