1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
