We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
My life is pants optional.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
