The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Randomize
