guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Randomize
