I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
