i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Randomize
