You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
