you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
