the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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